6/3/06 Reply
Write, just gotta write. Hello wiki, it's been such a very long time. But this isn't for you, this is just for me, it's just sometimes you need somewhere new to put things. Reply
The last few weeks I walked with Carmen in the courtyard a lot. There's an orange tree there and a pond with goldfish in it. We sat on the bench by the pond and she smoked. We would just sit there for a long time at night and let it all out. It was the only time we both let ourselves stop, just stop, and not think about all the things we should have been doing. Time was still. We talked. She talked about her boyfriend—problems and I tried to be objective. I told her my problems. She tried to be objective. That wasn't really the point there. We both cried in that courtyard, twice, seperatly. Were there for the meltdowns. Reply
That's something I'm greatful for. Those walks and their frequency. The fact that it felt weird to not walk with her for a week in March. The boy was there and then I went to Portland. The night I came back from Portland she and Jessica picked me up at the airport. We got taco bell and Jessica headed off for the city. Without talking we both headed for the steps. The art building steps. We sat there. Start talking, she said. I talked and talked and talked until I didn't have anything else to say. Now you, I said. Reply
I am grateful. Reply
12/29/05 Reply
It's kind of weird to be on wiki. I don't know why. But I was looking at CaseyP's pictures from camp the other night and suddenly I wanted to be there more than anything and was sad that I wasn't there this year. I wonder when I'll be back. It's funny, the abrupt changes life makes. Reply
I feel old tonight and I am thinking about Maia and Amos and Allie and other people I haven't talked to in way too long. I should do something about that. Reply
I should do a lot of things. All the time. I'd better get on that. Reply
Life's good. Reply
I don't know how else to put it. Reply
-Fransterini Reply
2.7.05 Reply
I've been reading Wishcraft. She talks about how when you're having hard times getting what you want, you need to find a really willing listener to just let you let it all out. Now I quote: Reply
Funny thing: men are better at it. (stuff omited) When one man walks up to another and says "Sam, I'm an alocoholic, my wife is leaving me, I've lost my job,
Sam says sincerely, Geez Joe, that's rough
, which is precisely what Joe nees to hear. But I know perfectly well that if Joe walked up to me and began Barbara I'm an alocoholic...
I'd go, Oh my God. What do I do now? Let me talk to your wife. You can live in my house. I'll take you to the steam bath. I'll find you a job.
Women are fixers. I've got to fix. Most of you have got to fix. We do it in the name of campassion, and it's heartless!" Reply
I think that's really true a lot of times. Reply
I've also been looking at http://www.thedeadletter.com and http://www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/text.html. Reply
I now have an overwhelming urge to go out and change the world. Reply
1.28.05 Reply
Okay. For my own curiosity, I'm going to list all my nicknames, even the ones that are really similar. Reply
17! Am I missing any? Reply
1.20.05 Reply
It's not that I want a boyfriend. I just want some reason to look this...hot...tonight. Reply
ps. at least one of those statements is horredously untrue. Reply
1.14.04 Reply
okay. So I don't really like asking for help, but one of my new years resolutions was to ask for what I need. So. Reply
I'm really overwhelmed and tired and sick and ged-ed and lost. Any spare love and positive energy sent my way would be really really appreciated. Reply
I remember now, why I do grocery list journalling sometimes. Because today I stumbled across a page reading estavon. flummus. granny artec.
and I remembered everything from just 4 words. Reply
12.19.04 11:33 pm. I'm going to ramble for a while. I feel like doing writing practice. I'm going to start with I remember. I think. Or not. Reply
I remember. We have these little oranges again. The first time I ate a lot of them was this same month but two years ago. We'd just gone to california. While we were in california we....I'll back up. We flew over the grand canyon to get there. It was warm and we got burritos in LA and ate them in the parking lot of the Huntington gardens. In the gardens there was an orange grove. Long rows of trees with ripe oranges on them. It smelled sweet. Carol asked the guard is it okay to eat an orange?
and he said it's okay in the sense that everyone does it...
which was answer enough for us. We each picked an orange. I have a thing about citrus. I have the hold citrus fruits to my face because they feel like skin. They're smooth and they have little pores and they smell good. So these oranges were impossible to peel and we ended up having to tear them apart with our hands and the juice ran everywhere and we had to wash it off later in a drinking fountain. They were sweet. I remember I remember I remember. I keep thinking about home and what it means. I keep thinking about camp. Reply
At the train station in Havre there are border patrol men. There is also an ice cream bar machine and a mail box and pine trees. There's a long cement platform that you can run up and down to stretch your legs out. I miss it. Reply
Sometimes I write really long posts because I assume poeple don't read really long posts and it leaves me free to say anything unless you see your name and stop scanning past. Mel could flip rapidly through my journal and stop the instant she saw her name. She could also hear the words ice cream
and coffee
whispered from across the house. It's like a superhero power. Reply
Sometimes I think I'm a superhero, but not right now. Somehow the process of applying to college manages to slowly suck every notion of self worth you have out of you. Every word I write feels contrite and cliched. I'm drinking tea and it's getting cold. Reply
I don't know how to stop. Reply
12/7/04 Reply
This is Elm
by Sylvia Plath. I like it. It'll make me really happy if you read it. The end. Reply
I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root; It is what you fear. I do not fear it: I have been there.
Is it the sea you hear in me, Its dissatisfactions? Or the voice of nothing, that was you madness?
Love is a shadow. How you lie and cry after it. Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.
All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously, Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf, Echoing, echoing.
Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons? This is rain now, the big hush. And this is the fruit of it: tin white, like arsenic.
I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets. Scorched to the root My red filaments burn and stand,a hand of wires.
Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs. A wind of such violence Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.
The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me Cruelly, being barren. Her radiance scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.
I let her go. I let her go Diminished and flat, as after radical surgery. How your bad dreams possess and endow me.
I am inhabited by a cry. Nightly it flaps out Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.
I am terrified by this dark thing That sleeps in me; All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.
Clouds pass and disperse. Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables? Is it for such I agitate my heart?
I am incapable of more knowledge. What is this, this face So murderous in its strangle of branches? ——
Its snaky acids kiss. It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults
That kill, that kill, that kill. Reply
11/23/04 Reply
Have you ever smiled so hard you thought you might die and you knew for a fact that you couldn't possibly smile any bigger without starting to cry? I just did that. See.....on Amazon when you look at the details to a CD you can listen to a song sample from each song which happens to be 29 seconds. I just did that for Garden State. That is total and complete happiness in 29 second chunks. The problem is, to explain why that's true is impossible within the realm of words. Reply
Just try to understand, please. Reply
11/6/04 Reply
The last two days have felt like a movie. Driving to work friday morning I felt like a camera and I would mentally zoom in on certain images and put a soundtrack to it in my mind. Today was gorgous out and I lay in the hammoc and swung back and forth and it was warm and the sky was so blue and the trees were covered in the lingerings of yellow leaves and everything was really vibrant and I sang Cranberries songs to myself. (I have decided to leave you forever, I have decided to start things from here, thunder and lightnening won't change what I'm feeling, and the daffodils look lovely today ay ay
) I wore all green today, tights and silky pants and a soft soft sweater and a bandana. All green. I made myself tea and treated myself gently and split a lot of wood. I am strong. In a lot of ways. Reply
It still sort of feels like a movie. Reply
And Stephanie is the most fabulous person ever. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. I was literally crying I was laughing so hard. It was beautiful. Reply
I think I'm going to be okay. Or I hope so anyway. Reply
Okay. Time to delete most of this page a start over. So. I really miss people coming home from camp and making lists of their best camp memories. Muffin made on on her LJ and it made me realize it used to happen a lot. So I'm going to make one. And others should follow suit. Frannys 2004 camp memories in no perticular order. Reply
graduatingcampers.
fiesta time
More later. Reply
Today is the 19th of September, 2004. It is 2:52 pm and there are some things I need to say right now so that they are in writing and I have people holding me accountable for them. Reply
1) I am going to write lots of fabulous letters to fabulous people and not stop 3 or 4 months after camp like it usually happens. Reply
2) these are some things I want to do in my year of being 18: Reply
There are more and I will add them soon. Reply
worksbut when it doesn't it never seems to matter that much anymore anyway. (I've learned to accept it when it doesn't, and accept what does happen instead. ...My life seems to be all about acceptance lately.) -Rachel H. P.S. So what are you thinking about college?
Franny, Franny, Franny. You're so freakin awesome. Every time I talk to this girl she makes me smile. She makes really awesome zines, which we all know, but she also makes a mean Mac n cheese, even when we're out of butter. She has such a radiant glow that makes me want to hug and squeeze her and then play the I wanna attack you game! She has the softest skin on the inside of her arm...ha ha ha..and she's the only person to sing Beach Boys in a little car headed for Stockholm when you're really really tired and eating semi spicy tortilla chips. (It was NOT a police car, guys..) Her house is the coolest place ever and I think I'm going to be there very soon. . . —Allie P.S. She's fun to rake leaves with, too. Reply
I don't like the little question mark after my name. Reply
I like defining myself. Reply
So this is me: I chew on pens I love emotion I hate emotion I need a hug I curl up You can read my journal if I can read yours. Reply
So this is me. Reply
farm girl; type setter; printer; zine maker; poem writer; Reply
I like punctuation and raspberry chocolate chip ice cream. Reply
My goal in life (this week at least) is to be magical. Reply
I write letters and slack on e-mails and never finish mix tapes. Reply
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